I am . . .

 

I got a call from a very dear friend today wanting to know how I'm doing.

Such a difficult question to answer.

So I told the truth . . .

I have good days

and

not so good days.

Miscarriage is such a common occurrence and yet if feels like it's taboo to talk about.

But I need to talk about it.

My heart aches for the baby we lost.

I need to share my feelings, I need to know others care.

Even if they cannot understand.

In my heart, I feel like the mom of three.

Of course Alli and Eli bring me great joy

~ more than I could have ever imagined ~

But they do not make up for the one we lost.

I feel like our family is missing someone now.

I want to meet my baby, hold, rock, cuddle, kiss him or her.

That brings up more pain ~ we don't know the gender

so our baby will forever be known as "Wrinkle"

the nickname G came up with because the pregnancy put a wrinkle in our plans.

In an attempt to get out my feelings, I shared my story here.

I know that many people don't know what to say.

Honestly, there is nothing you can say that will make it hurt less.

Shoot, half the time G doesn't know what to say or do.

Just try to understand that there will be good days and not so good days.

Just because I'm smiling does not mean that the hurt is gone.

Please be patient with me.

It no longer feels so raw, but little things creep up and make me sad.

I suspect that only time with help this wound ~ notice I did not say heal.

I do not know if I will ever completely heal, at least not until we are reunited in Heaven.

What I do know is that I am now part of a club I never wanted to join.