One Year: Grief and Hope

One year ago today was perhaps the worst day of my life . . .

It was the day I learned that our suprise, miracle baby Wrinkle no longer had a heartbeat.

Garrett was in Minnesota that week for work so I was on my own.

My wonderful doctor agreed to perform the D&C that afternoon, rather than prolong the agony.

We had only known about Wrinkle for three weeks but it was enough time to fall in love.

I struggled with the loss, as I am sure all who suffer a miscarriage do.

It still hurts so much not knowing whether Wrinkle was a boy or a girl.

After that ordeal, I was convinced that we were meant to have three children,

though convincing Garrett took time.

We decided to give it one more shot and trust in God that if it was meant to happen, it would.

Imagine our great joy when we learned the end of February that we were expecting again.

The fear was overwhelming, but so was the excitement!

Thankfully, Luke Daniel Fisher was born healthy on October 29, 2011;

exactly one year after we saw Wrinkle on ultrasound with a perfect heartbeat.

It felt a bit like things had come full circle, yet I still struggle at times.

We were released from the hospital on October 31, 2011 and on the way home,

I received (what I choose to believe was) a wonderful gift from God . . .

As Garrett was picking up my prescriptions, Luke and I were waiting in the car

and I saw the most beautiful rainbow of my life. 

The sun was shining and for a brief moment the gray sky gave way to blue

and this amazingly clear, vibrant rainbow appeared right in front of me.

After the miscarriage, I learned that children born after a loss are often called Rainbow Babies.

Maybe it was all of the pain medication,

but I suddenly felt very peaceful as my own Rainbow Baby slept peacefully in the back seat. 

It felt as though God and Wrinkle were telling me that all was right and as it should be.

Garrett and I never planned on having three children

but knew the instant Luke was born that our family was finally complete.

Seeing that rainbow made me feel that Wrinkle was God's way of preparing our hearts for a third child.

Again, I may be crazy and I still mourn the loss of Wrinkle (I cannot wait to meet him or her someday)

but as I face this day, one year later, I feel that there was a reason and the ache is a little less.

I am . . .

 

I got a call from a very dear friend today wanting to know how I'm doing.

Such a difficult question to answer.

So I told the truth . . .

I have good days

and

not so good days.

Miscarriage is such a common occurrence and yet if feels like it's taboo to talk about.

But I need to talk about it.

My heart aches for the baby we lost.

I need to share my feelings, I need to know others care.

Even if they cannot understand.

In my heart, I feel like the mom of three.

Of course Alli and Eli bring me great joy

~ more than I could have ever imagined ~

But they do not make up for the one we lost.

I feel like our family is missing someone now.

I want to meet my baby, hold, rock, cuddle, kiss him or her.

That brings up more pain ~ we don't know the gender

so our baby will forever be known as "Wrinkle"

the nickname G came up with because the pregnancy put a wrinkle in our plans.

In an attempt to get out my feelings, I shared my story here.

I know that many people don't know what to say.

Honestly, there is nothing you can say that will make it hurt less.

Shoot, half the time G doesn't know what to say or do.

Just try to understand that there will be good days and not so good days.

Just because I'm smiling does not mean that the hurt is gone.

Please be patient with me.

It no longer feels so raw, but little things creep up and make me sad.

I suspect that only time with help this wound ~ notice I did not say heal.

I do not know if I will ever completely heal, at least not until we are reunited in Heaven.

What I do know is that I am now part of a club I never wanted to join.

Christmas Eve 2010

Since moving to back to WA in 2008, Alli and I begin each Christmas Eve morning by making red and green Rice Krispy Treats.  This was the first year that G didn't have to go to work so he and Eli were there for the fun, although they left the treat making up to the girls :)  As you can see, they turned out great!

 We decided to have a lazy morning while G went shopping for some last minute gifts.  The kids took the opportunity to play some more with our Little People Nativity set.

 After lunch, the boys decided to put together my craft drawers.  Eli was such a good little helper!

 He was rewarded for all of his hard work with a cookie ;-)

After the kids were up from their naps, we got dressed up and went to my parents for the annual Schneider Christmas Eve bash.  We LOVE this!  My mom puts on a spread of delectable (our new favorite word thanks to Fancy Nancy!) appetizers and desserts.  The kids (big and small) loved sampling all the food.

 This was the best family shot we could get as Mr. Grumpy Pants refused to crack a smile for us.

After enjoying the food, it was time for presents . . .

 Not surprisingly, Eli was more into the boxes and decided to lay on them ~ silly boy ;-)

Both kids wanting Aunt Jenee's attention.  I think Alli was protecting one of her presents by sitting on the box :)

Alli fully enjoyed opening and playing with all of her presents!

After all the presents were opened and my brothers and their families had left, the kids played while I helped my Dad clean up the kitchen.  My folks work so hard to put on such an amazing spread, I figured they may appreciate at least a little help ;-)  We went to the 9 p.m. candle light service at our church.  It was beautiful as always but both kids were very tired, although they both behaved pretty well.  I absolutely LOVE hearing the Christmas story and tear up.  This year I was even more emotional, not too surprising, but I am just so thankful to have such a loving God. 

The kids crashed when we got home, giving Santa plenty of time to drop off presents and stockings.  Another great Christmas Eve!

home at last!!!

I was finally released from the hospital this afternoon ~ woo hoo!  It feels so good to be home ;-)  I'm very sore and exhausted but so happy to be home with my family.  It was a crazy week that ended in another surgery late last night where it was discovered that on top of the clot in my uterus, I had a ruptured ovarian cyst that was causing internal bleeding, pain, vomiting and infection ~ yikes!  After a two hour surgery (that completely freaked out my mom) my doctor came out to tell G and my folks that I would feel like a new person in the morning, and I did!  Last night after surgery, I wasn't doing so well due to the pain but today, aside from being sore from surgery, I feel great.  I am so thankful for all of the prayers and hope to be back to myself soon.

a rough patch

I promise to update very soon with some great stories and pictures from Thanksgiving (and Halloween too for that matter!) but right now I just wanted to let you know that we need some prayers or happy thoughts.  On Wednesday, I began experiencing a tremendous amount of pain and bleeding, which could be normal but got progressively worse.  Yesterday, the pain was so great I could barely stand or walk and I began vomiting.  G and I spent 6 hours at the ER, where it was determined that I have developed a uterine infection :(  I am on very strong antibiotics and pain medications now and have been ordered to rest for at least the next three days, at which time I need to go back to my doctor.  Definitely frustrating but we are glad to know there was a reason for the pain, fever, etc.  We have once again been reminded of how fortunate we are.  Yesterday, it was clear that we needed medical advice and we tried for over an hour to contact the OB on call with no success so I took advantage of our friends R and L (R is an OB).  He was on call at his hospital but his wonderful wife called him and had him call me.  You know you're feeling really lousy when you are willing to talk about your symptoms with your friend's husband!  He told us he was concerned about infection and suggested we get checked out quickly (he was right!)  As it became obvious that we needed to go to the hospital, our family dropped everything to take care of Alli and Eli.  Then, last night, our dear friend and neighbor Jenn, kindly "babysat" me while G took clothing and pjs over to the kids since I was so drugged (five doses of IV pain and nausea meds had me quite loopy!).  This is not fun (stating the obvious I suppose) but once again, God has shown us how he is taking care of us every step of the way by putting these wonderful people in our lives.  We feel very blessed to know all of you!  Please pray that this physical ordeal passes soon so we can figure out a way to move forward.