I am . . .

 

I got a call from a very dear friend today wanting to know how I'm doing.

Such a difficult question to answer.

So I told the truth . . .

I have good days

and

not so good days.

Miscarriage is such a common occurrence and yet if feels like it's taboo to talk about.

But I need to talk about it.

My heart aches for the baby we lost.

I need to share my feelings, I need to know others care.

Even if they cannot understand.

In my heart, I feel like the mom of three.

Of course Alli and Eli bring me great joy

~ more than I could have ever imagined ~

But they do not make up for the one we lost.

I feel like our family is missing someone now.

I want to meet my baby, hold, rock, cuddle, kiss him or her.

That brings up more pain ~ we don't know the gender

so our baby will forever be known as "Wrinkle"

the nickname G came up with because the pregnancy put a wrinkle in our plans.

In an attempt to get out my feelings, I shared my story here.

I know that many people don't know what to say.

Honestly, there is nothing you can say that will make it hurt less.

Shoot, half the time G doesn't know what to say or do.

Just try to understand that there will be good days and not so good days.

Just because I'm smiling does not mean that the hurt is gone.

Please be patient with me.

It no longer feels so raw, but little things creep up and make me sad.

I suspect that only time with help this wound ~ notice I did not say heal.

I do not know if I will ever completely heal, at least not until we are reunited in Heaven.

What I do know is that I am now part of a club I never wanted to join.

home at last!!!

I was finally released from the hospital this afternoon ~ woo hoo!  It feels so good to be home ;-)  I'm very sore and exhausted but so happy to be home with my family.  It was a crazy week that ended in another surgery late last night where it was discovered that on top of the clot in my uterus, I had a ruptured ovarian cyst that was causing internal bleeding, pain, vomiting and infection ~ yikes!  After a two hour surgery (that completely freaked out my mom) my doctor came out to tell G and my folks that I would feel like a new person in the morning, and I did!  Last night after surgery, I wasn't doing so well due to the pain but today, aside from being sore from surgery, I feel great.  I am so thankful for all of the prayers and hope to be back to myself soon.

the best medicine

Sadly, I'm still in the hospital (hoping to be released tomorrow) but G brought Alli and Eli to visit me this evening and we had THE best time. Lots of snuggles and giggles. I loved showing them off to the nurses :). We took a stroll / wagon ride around the floor, ate pudding and played hide and seek with the closet. They were here for about an hour and a half and I felt so happy to have the whole family together. I got a couple cute pics with the blackberry but I can't figure out how to post them from the bb so they will have to wait until I get home. Please pray that I am well enough to go home tomorrow.

recovering

I am still in the hospital but feeling a lot better. Heavily drugged, which is managing the pain quite well. I am hoping to be released tomorrow afternoon. I miss my kiddos but am thankful to be in the hospital receiving such good care. Hopefully, when I am released, I can go back to my normal routine and no more pain or medications. Thank you for the prayers and warm thoughts. Please continue to pray for peace and quick healing.

hospitalized

I have been admitted to the hospital for treatment. Please pray this works and I can come home soon.

a rough patch

I promise to update very soon with some great stories and pictures from Thanksgiving (and Halloween too for that matter!) but right now I just wanted to let you know that we need some prayers or happy thoughts.  On Wednesday, I began experiencing a tremendous amount of pain and bleeding, which could be normal but got progressively worse.  Yesterday, the pain was so great I could barely stand or walk and I began vomiting.  G and I spent 6 hours at the ER, where it was determined that I have developed a uterine infection :(  I am on very strong antibiotics and pain medications now and have been ordered to rest for at least the next three days, at which time I need to go back to my doctor.  Definitely frustrating but we are glad to know there was a reason for the pain, fever, etc.  We have once again been reminded of how fortunate we are.  Yesterday, it was clear that we needed medical advice and we tried for over an hour to contact the OB on call with no success so I took advantage of our friends R and L (R is an OB).  He was on call at his hospital but his wonderful wife called him and had him call me.  You know you're feeling really lousy when you are willing to talk about your symptoms with your friend's husband!  He told us he was concerned about infection and suggested we get checked out quickly (he was right!)  As it became obvious that we needed to go to the hospital, our family dropped everything to take care of Alli and Eli.  Then, last night, our dear friend and neighbor Jenn, kindly "babysat" me while G took clothing and pjs over to the kids since I was so drugged (five doses of IV pain and nausea meds had me quite loopy!).  This is not fun (stating the obvious I suppose) but once again, God has shown us how he is taking care of us every step of the way by putting these wonderful people in our lives.  We feel very blessed to know all of you!  Please pray that this physical ordeal passes soon so we can figure out a way to move forward.

we're grieving but living

G got home Friday evening and we were all thrilled to see him!  Thanks to wonderful friends and family, there was food in the house for dinner (as an aside, thank you to all who sent over meals, this was so thoughtful and helpful!).  After the kids went to bed, it was finally time for us to begin processing the loss, and I finally cried (which I hate to do!)  It was good.  We know that God is with us and will help us along this path.  Obviously, there are many questions and far too few answers, answers we know that we may never have, but we realize that now is not the time for any big decisions.  Rather, we will process our loss, allow ourselves to grieve and then have difficult conversations.  One thing we have both realized is how thankful we are that we shared the news of our blessing despite this loss.  Having your support and prayers has been so helpful to us during this time.  We cannot imagine going through this in silence.  Thank you so much for letting us share and for your support, prayers and hugs.  Our pastor commented today that he was surprised to see us in church today as it must be difficult to face the questions, and yet it was exactly what we needed.  We were able to light a candle for our baby and be surrounded by so much love and support.  So many people hugged us and some cried with us.  We discussed this on the drive home and said it was exactly what we needed.  So thank you for letting us express ourselves and rest assured, we will survive this and we realize how much we have to be thankful for right now.

three weeks . . .

The past three weeks have been one giant, emotional rollercoaster in casa de Fisher . . .

Just one day after our last post, we got news that knocked us off our feet

To say we were shocked would be a HUGE understatement.

Given our history of infertility, and being told we couldn't conceive on our own, we never dreamed this was possible.  I had been feeling lousy for two months and we took a test simply to verify what we already knew (i.e. we were not pregnant).  We sat there shell-shocked that Wednesday evening.  I called my friend Sarah, who had always said she thought this would happen to tell her she was right ;-)  The next day was spent calling my doctor, getting a blood test and trying to set up an ultrasound as we had no clue how far along we were. 

Friday morning, G and I went for the ultrasound and saw a beautiful, wiggling 9 week baby with a heart just flickering away. 

We instantly fell in love!

Logistically, we had no clue how to make it work with three kids but we knew God would show us the way.

Saturday, we decided to share the news of our blessing with friends and family.

I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong but figured it was just be doing my normal worrying.

Our first OB appointment was on Wednesday, three weeks from the day we took the pregnancy test.

Once again, we got news that shocked us and left us numb.

Our once wiggly baby was still and no longer had a heartbeat.

G is in MN for work (returns this afternoon) so I was on my own.

Let me assure you, I was on my own by choice. 

Both of our families would have been there in an instant had I let them.  I am not one who likes to show emotion and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it together if the family was there.

Thankfully, two women helped me stay sane that afternoon through their emails and offers to let others know the news.  I doubt either will ever understand how much their emails meant to me that day and that I could not have handled things as I did without them.

The kids were with Barbie Gramma.

I called G to give him the news and he called his mom so I knew the kids were fine.

My OB (who I love ~ her entire office is amazing!) recommended a D&C given how far along we were in the pregnancy (11 weeks 5 days - although it appears the baby passed away within days of our first ultrasound).

She wanted to do it Friday but I asked if we could do it that day.

Although she thought I should take time to process, she rearranged her schedule and made it happen.

I had surgery that afternoon.

Apparently I lost a lot of blood and I woke up in quite a bit of pain but they were more than willing to give me as much pain medication as I wanted so I took all they were giving. 

The emotional pain is enough, I wanted the physical pain gone.

We are coping as best we can.

I am still in pain and taking the pain meds so I am fairly numb.

G gets home this afternoon and I have a feeling that once we are together, we will begin to process the loss.

Thank you all for your prayers, support, emails, calls, flowers, food, and friendship. 

It helps to have the love and support.

We trust that God will continue to help us through this loss.