One Year: Grief and Hope

One year ago today was perhaps the worst day of my life . . .

It was the day I learned that our suprise, miracle baby Wrinkle no longer had a heartbeat.

Garrett was in Minnesota that week for work so I was on my own.

My wonderful doctor agreed to perform the D&C that afternoon, rather than prolong the agony.

We had only known about Wrinkle for three weeks but it was enough time to fall in love.

I struggled with the loss, as I am sure all who suffer a miscarriage do.

It still hurts so much not knowing whether Wrinkle was a boy or a girl.

After that ordeal, I was convinced that we were meant to have three children,

though convincing Garrett took time.

We decided to give it one more shot and trust in God that if it was meant to happen, it would.

Imagine our great joy when we learned the end of February that we were expecting again.

The fear was overwhelming, but so was the excitement!

Thankfully, Luke Daniel Fisher was born healthy on October 29, 2011;

exactly one year after we saw Wrinkle on ultrasound with a perfect heartbeat.

It felt a bit like things had come full circle, yet I still struggle at times.

We were released from the hospital on October 31, 2011 and on the way home,

I received (what I choose to believe was) a wonderful gift from God . . .

As Garrett was picking up my prescriptions, Luke and I were waiting in the car

and I saw the most beautiful rainbow of my life. 

The sun was shining and for a brief moment the gray sky gave way to blue

and this amazingly clear, vibrant rainbow appeared right in front of me.

After the miscarriage, I learned that children born after a loss are often called Rainbow Babies.

Maybe it was all of the pain medication,

but I suddenly felt very peaceful as my own Rainbow Baby slept peacefully in the back seat. 

It felt as though God and Wrinkle were telling me that all was right and as it should be.

Garrett and I never planned on having three children

but knew the instant Luke was born that our family was finally complete.

Seeing that rainbow made me feel that Wrinkle was God's way of preparing our hearts for a third child.

Again, I may be crazy and I still mourn the loss of Wrinkle (I cannot wait to meet him or her someday)

but as I face this day, one year later, I feel that there was a reason and the ache is a little less.

I am . . .

 

I got a call from a very dear friend today wanting to know how I'm doing.

Such a difficult question to answer.

So I told the truth . . .

I have good days

and

not so good days.

Miscarriage is such a common occurrence and yet if feels like it's taboo to talk about.

But I need to talk about it.

My heart aches for the baby we lost.

I need to share my feelings, I need to know others care.

Even if they cannot understand.

In my heart, I feel like the mom of three.

Of course Alli and Eli bring me great joy

~ more than I could have ever imagined ~

But they do not make up for the one we lost.

I feel like our family is missing someone now.

I want to meet my baby, hold, rock, cuddle, kiss him or her.

That brings up more pain ~ we don't know the gender

so our baby will forever be known as "Wrinkle"

the nickname G came up with because the pregnancy put a wrinkle in our plans.

In an attempt to get out my feelings, I shared my story here.

I know that many people don't know what to say.

Honestly, there is nothing you can say that will make it hurt less.

Shoot, half the time G doesn't know what to say or do.

Just try to understand that there will be good days and not so good days.

Just because I'm smiling does not mean that the hurt is gone.

Please be patient with me.

It no longer feels so raw, but little things creep up and make me sad.

I suspect that only time with help this wound ~ notice I did not say heal.

I do not know if I will ever completely heal, at least not until we are reunited in Heaven.

What I do know is that I am now part of a club I never wanted to join.